Sometimes I feel “chained to the edge”. I think it is due to my configurations as God has planned them. It seems that the way I have been made creates a life that is always on the edge and never truly mainstream, even though I have tried to be mainstream quite a bit in my lifetime.
But when the Bible says God formed you, and knew you before you were born, it is an accuracy that is hard to expound upon. But that old tagline that “God has a plan for your life” is very, very true, I think.
Although I still think it is strange that one of my past ob-gyn’s, in trying to disuade me from having a homebirth made the statement that “just because you are advant-garde ” it was no reason to decide to have a homebirth. He obviously felt that it was in my profile, because it sure had no pertinance to my choice of homebirth.
I suppose it might have appeared that way. Because it just seems that even though I feel I am backed into most of these mainstream bending decisions, they do go against the flow. And that is where I have been -seemingly- destined to go.
Sounds like predestination, doesn’t it? Only I don’t believe in that type of predestination. I do see that my intellectual makeup and personality will keep me chained to the edge, so I go forward in what I am convinced of and no matter how I might long to be accepted and acceptable, I will sacrifice it every time -if that is called for.
Just saying that from experience. So I am thinking that this is simply how God made me. And maybe I feel a greater need to be true to myself, than some? I don’t know. Sometimes I hate that I come to the conclusions that I do. They seem a little hard to swallow. But maybe that is due to the fact that when you swallow conclusions that come from facts you can’t ignore, it blasts away those comfortable delusions or …maybe not delusions…just preconceptions you were handed. Or that you handed yourself.
It is so inconvenient to have to start the living/thinking process over again when those things are blasted away. It is hard to tell whether you are indeed moving forward, or whether you can find your place again.
But then I do believe we are each fitted for certain things in the process of life. That is why we have our specific gifts, talents, lacks, needs, circumstances. They work together – but we provide the choices within the givens. And the outcomes are necessarily surprising. Sometimes because God places some wild cards in the deck. Like being able to ask anything in His name. Additional gifts, second chances, His wisdom, ….. so now, as I am in the fifth decade of my life…. what new direction can I take?