I wonder if I’m am coming to the end in the metamorphosis of my pupate stage. For Kafka fans, that has to conjure some far-out mental pictures. But as my blogging world is starting to branch into real possibilities that I will meet some fellows bloggers in real life, I am struck that the cocooning stage of my life is coming to an end. Blogging to this point has been my private little escape from the pressures of family obligations and some deep disappointments that had built up over some of the past decade.

The stage to which the Lord seems intent in bringing me is one of revelation and interaction. I see the signs, I hear the stirrings…. and it brings the dichotomy of writing to the surface of my consciousness. Writing is usually a private affair in the crafting. You dig deeply into your inner workings and put those things on the paper ( or the screen) uninterrupted by anothers interaction. Yet, you put it out there in the public for viewing and comment. You just don’t have to come into close and personal contact with the consequences of how that impacts people, or expose yourself to their personal assessments of your person and life.

Until you meet.

Very few people in my real life meet with my opinions, as they are expressed here, in real life. For many years I searched for a group of friends and acquaintances who shared my relish for discussing issues and delving into the big questions. After some time I gave up. Occasionally, my husband has interest in talking about these things, but often our conversations are largely how to work out practical issues, etc. Or just sinking exhaustedly into quiet or Hollywood escape. My Christian circle has shrunk, partly due to my defensive posture of keeping the distance and partly because my family obligations required me to completely change how I interacted within the life of the Church ( attend Sundays only). I am only now tentatively exploring re-entering the life of the Church, and am entirely unsure how that will work once my mother moves in with us.

Life is rarely as you picture it will be. But the cocoon is breaking open, and I am not sure what sort of creature is to emerge.

I question the wisdom of having read Kafka at this point, though;)

4 thoughts on “Cocooned”

  1. You know, I’ve heard different people write about why they blog but I think what you mentioned here has to be part of it. It’s not just that we find fellowship online but that we find fellowship of a specific sort. I almost hesitate to call it “fellowship” but maybe it’s at least camaradarie.

    I’m like you and and don’t really have anyone close by that wants to ask and talk about hard questions. The few friends that do fall into that category have moved away for various reasons.

    But in the blog-world there are kindred souls who, though we may disagree, at least have the same approach to spiritual things. At least with them I don’t get the side-ways look that says “Why would he even ask that question?”. 🙂

  2. Yes, Brian I see you have definitely “been there”. I think we find we grow to dislike making others uncomfortable with the ‘hard discussion” while at the same time we refuse to put aside that desire in ourselves… and blogging works for this.

    Mark- thank you so much – I value your prayers as something of great preciousness, if someone sent me a nugget of gold it would not compare. I mean that with all sincerety. The prayers of the saints are invaluable. Invaluable.

    And I covet them. When something works out exceptionally well, or I have come through a difficulty, I know that somewhere someone has prayed for me in some way. I have that much confidence in the importance of prayer. It is the conduit of God’s will upon the earth. It is a piece of the prayer persons life… given on my behalf. thank you, brother.

  3. Ilona, I really sympathize with your situation. I have always found it so difficult to find people with whom I can discuss deeper things. Now that I am in Korea and can’t speak Korean well, it is especially hard. I’m glad to get to know you through blogging.

    BTW, my husband is also an INTP. I like INTPs!

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