Why me? Do other women my age revisit the question of why was I born in this family? Isn’t that a teen something question and aren’t we supposed to have accustomed ourselves to the unchangeables of life by the time we are in our …shoot man…. half century mark?
Is it just arrested development? Some sort of nightmare fountain of youth…where you get old but never really adjust.
And what is it that makes us feel so betrayed? Just expectations gone awry? Where did I get the idea that family involves caring about the other person. It doesn’t seem realistic. What is family? Why are certain members favored and others are not?
Lots of people think the answers are easy. Either in the positive or the negative. I don’t find this true. It is not simple, although I think it should be. Family should be simple. People should just love and want the best for each other and it ought to be easy to figure out how to do that.
But it is not.
I grieve over my father alot. In many ways…because he was a terribly flawed person. I feel sorry for him and angry about him. I am appalled at some of the things I learned about him from going through his papers and letters. He left me a mess to deal with in my family. Just a mess of humanity that is hurt and hurtful. I think about it, but when I think about my father I must close the book on each thought. Because he is dead. There is nothing more to do. No talking. No praying. No nothing. Just close the door on each thought and feeling as it surfaces. All the ‘would have likes’. They are over, aborted before they were ever to have been . They were my fantasy world – the ideas that I could change anything, create anything, without the realization that you cannot do that without cooperation.
See, there is where the difference lays. People who deal with their lives properly somehow understand and get cooperation from others in their lives. I have thought alot about this. And for some there is a gift, called “favor” in the Bible, that some are given. Others naturally want to cooperate with them. It is odd really. The way talents, gifts, abilities, circumstances, and so many very important things are chosen for us. Of course, we have what we do and develop. No doubt about that….. but how much of our lives are spent trying to make a silk purse from the sows ear?
And where do we get those ideas in the first place?
maybe you won’t like me for writing these things.
how much do we sacrifice? and what do we give away?
i have too many questions and not enough answers. i ought to have answers. you could tell me what is wrong with me, but i am tired of people telling me all the things wrong and what they could do better. i feel like i am throwing tantrums…but you know what i know? i know that this type of thing goes on inside many people…. and worse. worse because hidden. hidden and faked to be something nice and ameliorated.
but what about the genuinely wonderful? the genuine. it is out there, it has a cause, there is a source, it can be uncapped.