Going Where One Should Never Go

That is true. I shouldn’t be going here… to this place of self pity, but I do, anyway, nonetheless. It is my own fault. I have been reading too many blogs. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and you find that quickly online. Like everything else you glut quickly on the internet.

Anyway…. I am feeling sorry for myself because I am not an awesome godly woman with awesome godly husband and awesome godly children. And I feel like apologizing for it. But then I feel sorry for myself, and I am not at all sure why I get that emotion. It might spike a bit as anger, but almost immediately turns to sadness and then goes inward.

My garden is a mess, and all the rational excuses in the world for it do not comfort me. My house is not organized… and with the time online, will it ever be? It will have to be… and I will not be online as much when I am forced into that corner. And because I will be forced I will not be able to claim any sort of moral excellency. I have spent longer than some of the mommy people have been alive in the role of mommy and housekeeper…..home manager…whatever. I have had my successes and more than the amount of failure that might be overlooked. Much failure. And I feel like apologizing. Isn’t that strange? I am sorry I didn’t measure up and it doesn’t look like I ever will.

You are going to want to comfort me now (or slap me-come out of this,woman!), but you really don’t need to. I have my knowledge of who I am in Christ, and that gives a perspective. I have faith that even the failures have some purpose ( even though I cannot now imagine what), and I know that I have only myself to blame for reneging on obligations which end up piling up in the most inconvenient and overwhelming way.

And I don’t have focus. I will always be a dreaming, ditzy, distracted woman. I have worked against it, but that is what I am. Along about your thirties you wake up to the fact that not having focus is highly detrimental to plans, and time is no longer on your side. And self-pity will accomplish nothing except to waste more time. Which is what I seem really excellent at.

OK. God is working on me, but I can’t imagine what the outcome could possibly be.

Oh well, I go through this every once in awhile. And I think my hormones have conspired against me today. Window closed, curtains drawn.

I’m fine really. And yes, you were right… I am a whack job. But probably in a normal way.

5 thoughts on “Going Where One Should Never Go”

  1. Hey! I just followed your link from the EU site. I appreciate this post so much. Women put way too much pressure on themselves (and each other) to be a perfect wife, mother, cook, housekeeper, etc. I am definitely failing in all those areas and you know what? It’s okay!!!!

  2. Righto, misery loves company you know. But LOL! did I make it sound like fun? that is a new one for me;)

    So what can I make you, coffee or tea? Or hey, share my vitamin water…..

  3. Huh. Well, I just spent yesterday evening agonizing over my own limitations, and I do believe this snapped me out of it. Possibly you just don’t see your virtues. Or possibly you only have those virtues because you beat yourself up over your failings.

    Whatever the case, I have to tell you that I admire your balance and consider it one of your obvious virtues. And maybe a life filled too full has given you that balance? Would you rather have a life filled with time to be irrelevant?

  4. I know lots of us go to this place… and you pose an interesting question. My head says no I wouldn’t want a frivolous life, but then…sometimes… I think I kinda wish for it.

    Only for a time, but sometimes I think I would chose that, if I could turn off those inner things in my character that won’t allow that. As it is I just go through these moods periodically.

Comments are closed.