This post is more with my mood than the past few. If you don’t get that, it’s ok, it is me being esoterically obtuse. Anyway, for reasons besides the usual evasion of responsibilities, I have come upon a slew of new blogs, whole new portals into different types of personalities and topics. Which is good, because I get way too didactic on religion subjects. Not that I am promising you more fun, I’m not.
The point of all this digression:
My mood has been altered by the fact that more and more my mind is revisiting the fact of my father’s death which took place on Dec. 20th last year. I am not yet forgiving of the Evil Woman who created so much anguish for me and my family. Not that it all is her fault. That was always the perverse twist of the blade in it all… my father had lots to do with it, and my own reactions contributed more than most because I was involved with my fathers life long after everyone else had the sense or the despair of anything more to do with him.
Horrible things at Christmas, aren’t they? Horrible thoughts, I mean. While I am much more stable in my attitude and emotions right now, I have had recurring difficulty. But I’m not neutralized and out of commission…. and being more aware is a helpful thing.
This could get long, so before I go into an extension…here is the blog that brought on this post Victoria’s blog. You can skip the rest and go there if you’d rather. It’s on “lost messages that we needed to hear as children”.
I am a sucker for self-help stuff. so I thought I would look through and see what I thought.
1. “You are good.”
2. “You are wanted.”
3. “You are loved for yourself.”
4. “You are seen for who you are.”
5. “Your needs are not a problem.”
6. “You are safe.”
7. “You will be taken care of.”
8. “You will not be betrayed.”
9. “Your presence matters.”
2. -mixed but more of a maybe
3. -ok, I guess
4. -yes…but then I wonder, was I? was the view the correct one that was voiced back to me?
5. -um, not a problem exactly just keep them minimized
6. – yes, I think I got that one…until the passive aggressive messages became too strong to ignore. Then I think that was why I went ballistic with my father.
7. – only if you don’t ask for too much and only if you are careful not to incur the unacceptable level of wrath ( which you must guess)
8. – no
9. Ok this one was a definite yes.
Whew! finally, a yes.
I knew that and I denied him, because of all the other…
I feel a little guilt about that now, not lots.
What I have to say here is that my relationship with my dad went through two upheavals. One, at the divorce where I was “on his side” and strongly identified with my place there, and then the second which culminated a couple years before his death…. which through the instrumentation of the Evil Woman Who Proudly Displays Her Christian Identification, was totally betrayed and turned upside down.
Wow. emotional wretching, or what?
I no longer wish the woman dead, now, and that is an improvement. I still do not understand God ‘s purpose in lots of this, though. I denied every warning flag about this woman because I told myself that at least she was a Christian…. I kept believing she wasn’t taking from my father and instrumental in his alienation from every last person who had stood by him for years ( including me, but not exclusively). I kept hoping she was “good for him”, but the truth I found out almost wrung my insides out. If it had been only money I could’ve accepted it… after all people are greedy, we all have that temptation, but it was other things… which I won’t write about. It makes them too painful to see on a page. I am not calloused against that pain yet.
I had a few times I forgave her, but I took it back… about the best I have longterm is a sort of resignation.
Why can I expose all this? Because I know we all have something…. and if we don’t now, we will. The Human Condition, people.
This just happens to be one thing I am still working through. I am surprisingly strong against the threat of depression. Although I think I have had low levels the last few weeks, but I sort of bob up out of the waters.
Oh, one last thing… don’t commiserate with me, even if you feel something…. it isn’t really good for me and I don’t accept it well. Just a tip. I shared all this just because I wanted to, I don’t know why…maybe it sort of makes things go away….
Here’s the better part of all this reaming out of my inner writhings…. I will go back to that list and give some careful thought on whether I gift those things of
You are wanted.
You are loved for yourself.
You are seen for who you are.
Your needs are not a problem
You are safe.
You will be taken care of.
You will not be betrayed.
Your presence matters.
I can see I have had a problem relaying those messages intact to my children. Not surprising perhaps, but not excusable either. How can I improve the means of communication? for some of my older ones maybe only prayer will pave the way; but what am I to be ready with when prayer opens the doors?
And after all of this… all of this… I am intuiting that there is a Christmas message here somewhere in the rubble.
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