Not that anyone really cares…from the indications of the traffic here…. but my personal life is looming rather large. I use that word, looming. Mainly because I really like blogging, it is a creative outlet for me and much easier and less time consuming than making webpages. But it is more insistant on regular time.
Though I admit I make it that. The reality of my life, however, is that I have made some decided decisions that are going to take over my life….. I always seem to do this. This present decision is having my mother live here with our family.
I was not prepared for that…it wasn’t really supposed to happen, but now it is the way we will go and I have to do major work in the household to prepare a place for her. I have to organize, I have to get rid of stored clutter… and all clutter…. I have to contract for renovation work to make a mini-household area. I have to do the meetings, etc. in another city to set up financing… I have to deal with my sisters… again ( never an easy thing when cooperation is needed).
The only thing that keeps me from collapsing in the overwhelming face of it all is that I am a very black and white person. People often… with harshness and regularity… have criticised me for this. It is the fact that I am guided by principle that makes me so foolhardy brave to take on things that I am just not cut out for. You might call it a type of craziness, I don’t know. The thing is that I look at what needs done, not my ability to do it.
If you are curious about how I got to this place with making that sort of decision to have my mother live here… you can read on below the convenient little fold 🙂
This way no one has to delve into the innards of my personal life, unless they want to.
My parents were divorced. They were both critical and selfish in their own ways… my father far more, but it left me with less than a good relationship with either of them. By good, I mean loving and close. I came to peace with my mother soon after my conversion to Christ. I struggled through many thing with my dad, but I was always identified with him, and was one of his few constant relationships. The unspoken deal was… I would take care of my dad, and the other two sisters would take care of mom. Sounds good on paper, but doesn’t work out that way. Divorce is a nasty business for kids… and when everyone gets old, it is harder. Meeting the increasing needs of two different households besides your own- it broke me in the last decade. I am still recovering my life and myself, in the present time.
But neither of the two others are willing to take on my mothers needs, and she is no longer at the place where she can deal with life independently, although she would like to. She looked at living in the quarters that the elderly look at in these times of life…. but it would take her from all she finds worthwhile in life.
So I thought about it. And my thinking came up with this: my mother had a difficult life, one with many disappointments. I can’t leave her to die in a setting that will kill her spirit and deny her the little things of happiness that mean so much to her: her dog, a little gardening, her own space, proximity to those she cares about… family.
So. Principled decision: she lives with us. Right now she is in another city and alone almost all the time. Not good. And from helping my grandmother, I learned an important lesson with the elderly- if you wait too long, the change is too hard. Better to transition into things as seamlessly as possible. So that is what I am doing, instead of waiting for crisis and not being able to deal with it properly.
but, wow. it looks like lots of hard work. And blogging is going to be way down on the list. It sort of depends on how I handle stress- sometimes I blog more when I need some stress relief, sometimes I garden, I might have to get in the habit of taking off to the woods:) who knows?
But that is what is ahead this summer for me: the remodeling and the decluttering. Which I said for years I would do. I always do things from being backed into a corner. I am sure some psychoanalyst would have fun with me- but he will not get the chance. Part of my principle is to stand on my own two feet with God’s help.
And God has not, and does not fail. You can’t wait on other people to do the “shoulds”, you can’t excuse yourself that it wasn’t supposed to be your problem, life doesn’t work that way. We don’t get our little magic wands. We get principles and we get satisfaction from jobs well done and things set aright, we get pleasures in the small moments, we get love and to be loving… but we don’t get magic.