I am in the throes of real life. Real Christian life. That is: I have encountered one of those dilemmas of having to work out a situation that demands that I face up to how much real sacrifice I am willing to commit to in living out what I say I believe.
I hate those times.
I mean it. It is so excrutiating to face up to laying aside ones own interest for the sake of conscience. I hate it. I hate the struggle and the feeling that it isn’t fair. I hate feeling like I lose. And that nobody cares…. and that God is only mildly interested in how this turns out.
Which of course, I have to face up to as a lie on my part… a lie I tell myself. God very much cares… with more interest than I can imagine.
And it is made all the more difficult because I am dealing with those who are supposed to be as dedicated as I am to Jesus. So I tell myself that they are as much obligated to conform to being giving and reasonable as I am.
But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what I know to be right and that I am responsible to follow what I know to be right. Although I also know I am very prone to applying the tourniquet to my arm prematurely. You know, my cure is worse than the original problem, and I should give time to the resolution.
I hate this. I feel sad and betrayed and it seriously interferes with me going about my business and accomplishing something worthwhile. Because lots of obsessing and regurgitating thoughts is just not a good use of my life.