I am in the throes of real life. Real Christian life. That is: I have encountered one of those dilemmas of having to work out a situation that demands that I face up to how much real sacrifice I am willing to commit to in living out what I say I believe.
I hate those times.
I mean it. It is so excrutiating to face up to laying aside ones own interest for the sake of conscience. I hate it. I hate the struggle and the feeling that it isn’t fair. I hate feeling like I lose. And that nobody cares…. and that God is only mildly interested in how this turns out.
Which of course, I have to face up to as a lie on my part… a lie I tell myself. God very much cares… with more interest than I can imagine.
And it is made all the more difficult because I am dealing with those who are supposed to be as dedicated as I am to Jesus. So I tell myself that they are as much obligated to conform to being giving and reasonable as I am.
But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what I know to be right and that I am responsible to follow what I know to be right. Although I also know I am very prone to applying the tourniquet to my arm prematurely. You know, my cure is worse than the original problem, and I should give time to the resolution.
I hate this. I feel sad and betrayed and it seriously interferes with me going about my business and accomplishing something worthwhile. Because lots of obsessing and regurgitating thoughts is just not a good use of my life.
“Obsessing and regurgitating thoughts” is a process also known as reflection or meditation, and it is a spiritual exercise.
It must create an incredible amount of tension to be on the fence the way that you are about whether or not God cares. I wonder if it isn’t confusing to try to label your own gut feelings lies and then tell yourself what may be another one — that God is wildly enthusiastic. I am always asking myself, why do people not view their gut instincts as messages from God? Why is human ambivalence labeled weak, immoral? Why is it not seen as a strength and a gift?
It does produce tension.
I try not to speak for God, unless I have a very good base for saying it is what He says about something… a supportable footnoted sort of base.
I would be in very great trouble if I automatically believed my gut instincts had anything to do with God. Reformationists understand this immediately… for the rest, let’s just say I know myself to be wrong too often to trust it without lots of the matching up process that my labeling does.
As always, comments like yours are a balance. Sometimes God is trying to speak to us on a level we fight against…when our upper levels talk too much ( like mine does).