I’ve been reading that Ornish “Love and Survival” book. I am having the hardest time with that simply written book. It is emotionally hard for me to read it. Just as so much is emotionally hard for me, I guess.

It talks of the importance of relationships, good relationships, and I just collapse inside when I think of that. I write about its importance, but I just don’t have that self-preservation ability to cut loose harmful relationships and cultivate nourishing ones.

I am like a dog sort of. Yeh, have fun with that one. But really. In a relationship I don’t let go and I worry those that I have. You know, that head jangling gritted teeth: work! I say! Cooperate… grrrrrr! whiiiine. all the while tightly clamped on.

Some people cut the dead wood out. They move on …somehow. I stay stuck for the longest time. It is a good trait when you need tenacity, but when you are in a rut, I guess it is not so good. It isn’t really loyalty, but what passes for loyalty in my personality, I suppose.

Yes, I am depressed. I am still depressed. I can’t seem to close the door on the relationship with my dead dad. [ I purposely put it in those words- as ugly as it sounds] I am not optimistic about things in that childhood family group, as my sisters and mom are all at odds and I have to face this because of family weddings. No luxury of the head in the sand.

It is killing me.

I want out.
But I won’t let go, and I won’t opt out, and I just gird up with everything within me and face the music, so to speak. Or step over the chasm Or whatever it is that I am doing.

I try to maintain a balanced view, because I fear that this anger will find the target it is looking for. That is why I can’t blog on the debates that I think would be fun. I know that until I handle this and get fully balanced I will be mean. which is utmost entertainment for those who like to read those kinds of posts, but I am the one that has to live with that attached to my person.

You can do that a bit in a forum-where you get immediate response to check you, but a blog is an article with intent. It isn’t good to let loose unthinkingly in a blog.

That doesn’t help anyone. Which is the only truly useful end for debates. We ought to be helping each other see the sides and hear the points, etc.

Then it is fun. It is no longer fun for me when it gets mean and petty. My mind closes up shop when discussion goes there.

So here I am spilling my guts. I was really upset with my fellow Christians[edited to say-IRL, not that that is a good thing, but not with any online personalities], but some have so graciously come through and I am so incredibly grateful for that that it has evaporated all the mewling I might have done. It forced me to see how short-sighted self-pitying can be.

I am going to be so sorry I posted this. but being the self-destructive person that I am -it’s going public.