Forgiving Thoughts

It takes a while to grasp that not all failures are self-imposed, the result of ignorance, carelessness or inexperience. It takes a while to grasp that a garden isn’t a testing ground for character and to stop asking, what did I do wrong? Maybe nothing. ~Eleanor Perényi, Green Thoughts, 1981

In my upbringing someone always had to be blamed. There was no grace. This is probably the hardest thing within me that has come into conflict with the truth and grace in Christ Jesus… probably the thing that is hardest for me to cast aside, because I feel so guilty when I attempt it.

So God is stubbornly and relentlessly hacking away at my family imposed, and now self imposed, prison of blame and guilt and shame. He is insisting on showing me grace. Every day. Sometimes I feel it is killing me.

But maybe that part of me needs to die.

2 thoughts on “Forgiving Thoughts”

  1. This is very relevant to my life right now. It’s amazing how when things get hard, everyone scrambles around to figure out exactly what happened. Things with my housing situation are still rough and unsettled, and yet what I think has been the hardest thing to deal with is well meaning friends second-guessing me and even themselves as we look back over the past year.

    It’s almost like people start scrambling to find a place to conjure up conviction, for no other reason than that things are hard and confusing. If they are hard and confusing, someone must be to blame. (Along the lines of, if we can find the problem here or what somebody did wrong, we can fix this situation and make it work out great) Whereas, for me, I think, if we are walking with the Lord, He will convict when he does, but the reality of things not turning out how we hoped, does not necessarily mean sin is involved (fallenness is always involved on this earth, but that is different than the assumption that there is always someone who did something wrong and blame needs to be placed appropriately, so things can be fixed).

    Being able to rest in the hard times when things don’t make sense, without having to try to make them make sense by finding someone or something to blame is not always easy. But, it is a place where I find peace and rest. Yes, there are times when “cause” is an issue, and we can learn from the past, but it is not always wise to be so desperate to find (and fix) “cause” that we forget to rest in God’s sovereignty.

    Don’t know if this makes sense when I try to put it into words! I feel what you say and it resonates with what I’m processing right now, but that doesn’t mean I can say it coherently 🙂

  2. You speak quite finely.

    “Along the lines of, if we can find the problem here or what somebody did wrong, we can fix this situation and make it work out great”

    That is always my line of reasoning; and it is so, so hard to break free from. It presumes that one can know the overall situation and know the hearts of people, and somehow control all situations. It is really a control issue.
    A failure to surrender to the truth that God is both good and desires good for all his creatures , including oneself.

    I really do have a difficulty coming to grips with the attitude you express, “He will convict when he does, but the reality of things not turning out how we hoped, does not necessarily mean sin is involved” I keep thinking I will so deceive myself that I will negate His true conviction somehow. As if sitting in my corner feeling guilty will somehow qualify for ‘hearing Him’.

    Seems so silly when I actually write it down, but so immensely real in my mind when I start to think that way.

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