Entering The Year In Prayer

Forgive me that I am so dichotomous, didn’t want to use the word “schizophrenic”, with an upper level of hyper-drive and the loose tongue that goes with that and a underlevel of diving deeper into things of extreme seriousness. Perhaps the two go together for me. Perhaps the upper level allows me to not interfere with the underlevel doing its important work undisturbed.

But the underlevel will not remain submerged, and will show itself soon enough. I came upon this post at see-through faith.

I asked these questions a few days ago, and have been mulling them over ever since.

Where was the love in my life this year?
Has the year 2005 left me with any unresolved angers or resentments?
How can I go into 2006 with a peaceful and clean heart?
Where was God in all the personal experiences which leap into my memory?
Did I recognise him in them at the time?
Can I work through them now in my prayer?

…and these questions reminded me that I have been sensing something big in my spirit. God is doing something big at this time, but I am only made alert- I cannot tell what it is. I only know this stirring about, a certain jumpiness that it gives my soul- my fleshly being. I have to quiet that down and turn my spiritual ears to God to get any idea of what is causing it. It began as something personal in nature, and that is where I wept before God and He answered me with the vision of becoming purposeful in this coming year. To no more be distracted and pushed by circumstances and everyone elses agenda and demands…to be a woman who goes forward with purposefulness of her own. Her own calling and her own vineyard to keep.

This will be hard for me… I have always lent myself to others in ways that often end up meaningless. Useless and meaningless. I have already started to change this, I now have a better grasp of what things to do… now to the doing.

…but these questions piqued my thinking, and as an intp I apply them to myself.

Where was my love? Left beaten and sullied in the stormditches of the the past couple years. 2005 meant pulling it out and assessing the damage, in my relationships and my discipleship.

The year was rife with dealing with those resentments and angers from the previous year. They have settled, but are not resolved. In my most recent talk with God, He upbraided me for not listening to Him as my Father- still hearing my earthly fathers degrading insults. My Heavenly Father sees me with a value, I must learn to value myself with that. I must stop denying God’s value of my life- all others are wrong, only His is correct.

“How can I go into 2006 with a peaceful and clean heart?”
Only in meekly following God. I can create none of this on my own power. I know…because I have spent my life trying. I wait for His peace, I present my propensity to walk all muddied and messed up. That’s all I know to do.

“Where was God” always there… but too often on the sidelines, until I decided He should be more a part. I hear Him, often, I obey Him,little. It brings tears to me to realize this.

I recognize Him, but I don’t understand why He chooses so many of the things He has, for me. Sometimes I think because of my great wickedness I must go through these things …. to cause me to let go of my destructive ways. I do not understand how much is me and how much is outside of my control. I do not deserve my blessings, I know this… but maybe I have not always deserved my sufferings, either. And maybe it is not about deserving at all….

“Can I work through them now in my prayer?”

Ah,yes, but only if I will attend enough to prayer.

There is a resolution in the making.

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