For Those Of You With Perfect Lives

[ Ups and downs…. but more even keeled now. Talked things out, got out in the sunshine, attended to some overdue duties, and voila…. things don’t seem so difficult and dreaded. In fact, I find my self rejoicing in God. I have no idea how that works, although I suspect that our problems make us look again with attention to the only One who can fill us with real joie de vivre]

I don’t know you. I, myself, am struggling again. I say “again” because this seems more periodical than anything else in my experience, more struggle, different situations same reaction. The temporary solution for me has been to privately blog about it in my other weblogs.us journal. Sometimes I think I need to have someone giving me good advice, praying, or giving me a much needed kick. Haven’t decided yet.

But one thing that is always so hard about my habit of hemorrhaging out information is the fact that it will eventually erode the pedestals that people so like to build. Why is that? Why do we insist on building these pedestals when we know that people can’t possibly live up to our inflated expectations without lots of disingenuousness, if not outright deception?

I used to avoid the types of people that insist on putting up pedestals and installing you precariously upon them. I have since rethought that. Because in a way it is common as a phase in relationship. You know, the honeymoon phase. But what always bothers me is that our owrld now is almost entirely image, and less and less real world person. The faults of a person are even stylized and euphemized and forced into our consciousness. As if that were the flaw that makes the beauty.

Instead of the ugliness it is…. and taken to the next stage of understanding the flaws and faults, but extending love from one faulty human to another. Insistant image preservation will always frustrate that next stage. We don’t want our idols to fail.

And we are making idols, don’t be mistaken about that.

Well, my own struggles right now are adjusting to later stages of marriage. And you thought it settled into comfortable affection?

I did,too…. and right now I don’t know if it’s him, me, or us… or the expectations of us. I’m in my fifties and each time I face something that shouldn’t be such a Goliath… I wonder . “How is it that there are still so many giants in my land?” Is this normal? OK had to strike that last comment. I never knew normal. What I thought was normal -wasn’t. What I redefine- isn’t… and yet I am not an out of the ordinary person. There are lots of women who are where I am, albeit with different choices… but we end up wondering and not so confident and sure as we were earlier in life.

[ Later …after writing this a week or two past…. I start to wonder is it mostly hormones? what gives something so much intensity at one point, but with perspective becomes far more settled? I think it is probably the expectations part of the equation. Something like the aging realization that starts to kick in your thirties, this is some new and unwelcome phase. Or maybe I didn’t attend to working out things in the busyness of raising the family, etc, and now I have more energy to give to changing my life. I keep having to say, “I don’t know”]

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